Seven Days Of Bad Luck: Day 5

Day 5. A jolt of electricity on my left chest suddenly woke me up. I've been having these attacks for days now. It was still dark. The alarm clock stated 3:13 in the morning. With the lights still out, I let my hand feel something on the table overhead. Its destination was specific. The cellphone. I typed in "How are you now?" Long silence. "I'm still on meds," she said. I was utterly devastated. Noone's getting any better nowadays, I thought. "and you?", she continued. I feel sick to my stomach, feel fucked up for weeks, I've been called a loser, i've been treated like one, I can hear them laughing at me with their boisterous laughter and heavy footsteps. i wanted to tell her all these things but this won't help her case. What came out was, "i'm making progress."

An image of the blindfolded lady of justice holding a balancing scale on one hand and a sword on the other suddenly struck my mind. I weighed the circumstances, the pros and cons. but why is it that nothing seems to get any better... for both of us? Why do i feel that somewhere along the scale there is amiss? There is no justice lady! Only fucking choices! Oh God i wish you would cut off my head including the heads of the people who have forced me to make this decision that brought so much pain to her...and to me. That is justice. "Okay, you take care now. Bye", I said.

And just when i thought i have successfully excused myself, the phone rang. it was her. I choked. Heart felt constricted. I lost count as to how many miss calls had there been in the past weeks. A hundred? 150? I have no idea. All i know is that in every call she makes, my world is momentarily put on hold while the air around me seems suffocating. It is because in her every call, i'm forced to deliberately watch the cellphone ring until it stops vibrating. Not talking to her is such a killer. But i have to be steadfast for this whole thing to work. I have to be able to finally convince her that i don't love her anymore... that she's nothing. And soon, in the darkness of this room, i'll find me convincing myself that i can't go through it anymore. I can't. I might not survive to see the end of it. "I'm sorry," i uttered as if she can hear through that phone call that had expired minutes ago.

If you come to think of it, there is nothing really special about this week. No, the stars did not conspire to give me bad luck for seven days. Why? Because this scene has been playing even before i made that idiotic prediction. I've been playing the scene where i'm wallowing in pain, making sure that in everything i do and touch, i leave traces of my misery. If there is any different at all, that would be the fact that i'm getting better in making it worse as the days pass by. I've shared my story to others for the hope of alleviating myself of the pain, only for it to become a celebrated tragic love story in the end. Ironic. Now, i feel estranged.

Philosophical Tilapia

A ripple...
A bait...
A wiggle...
A doubt...
A bite...
A struggle...
Freedom!

A ripple...
A bait...
A wiggle...
A doubt...

Doubt...
Doubt...
Doubt...
Doubt...
Doubt...

Night Light

Ash fixed on the window sill,
A burnt deposit built for waiting
In summer, in silence, in the cold evenings
When was the last time you were here?

A light on the window sill
path is covered in fog, cold night
The wick hides in wax, in shame
As I spent days trailing the drops of rain

Down this chin, down the window sill

Ash fixed on the window sill

A burnt deposit gradually drifting
in passive surrender for days of trailing
the rain down this chin as the wick hides in waiting
for the fog to clear for the last time that you'll be here.

The Search For The Last Hero Of Zaraphina: The Battlefield

The Messenger:
Recoil... any moment now... steady...
Hold...
hold...
hold...
Go!

In my years of training in the Field of Tears
This blade i wield will crash your head to bits
To end the fears you caused in the minds and hearts
Of the men in this once glorious land

In this test of faith between light and dark,
If my skills won't suffice to a fate decided
Let this be a song of unwavering love and respect for the one
whose blood been spilled to end this war

Tonight, the elements will mix in blood and water,
Fire and earth, the sky I fly soaring high
Revolting, with strength and speed, I strike
In a manner that shall end this all!

The Menace:
Resistance is a waste for the worlds will burn tonight
With these hands, I'll crush everything that cross this path
Baptize in fire, grind in between
In fine, with your dreams and mine.

Alas! The tables have turned...
In my hands lies your fragile life...
Sword broken in desperation...
This battle is almost over.

The Innocents:
"Defensive shields are up and running, Captain...
This will hold him off for a few years or so...
It is a losing battle and if we do die
I want you to know that you have been a good friend
Although cut short... You've been a friend..."

The Menace:
We are almost at the end... Almost...
My hand stained with your blood...
Go home... They will miss you...
You have been worthy... they will miss you.

The Innocents:
"The last card has been drawn...
Torn into shreds... the hope gone...
But look! over the horizon!
The Lady stands between him and Destruction.

The Lady Of The Sanctuary:
Dear One, they didn't mean you harm,
I know you are hurting, i feel
You and I are one and the same
Taken away but not my doing.

Dear One, lay your guards down
If vengeance has not been sated
Take me in his stead.

The Innocents:
In his haste, his hate, between the bloodstained teeth
In his folly, he did not reminisce
That it was she... his heart incarnate and beating
That it was she... the Lady of the Sanctuary
His heart, his humanity, his life and his death.

Seven Days Of Bad Luck: Day 4

Day 4. Another night well spent on restlessness. I had to literally force myself to get up. I decided not to say "Fuck!" this morning. I felt like I had to avoid cussing too much. That way, my luck might just change. And the fact is, I didn't want another unsolicited lamely heated cup of coffee. No thanks. I'm gonna go through this day half asleep.

I got up and stood in front of the mirror for a while. If there is one good thing about this breakup is maybe the fact that i was able to finally lose some weight. Those trips to fancy restaurant, in some, way was inadvertently flushed somewhere. I have my cheekbones back but damn it! This pair of eyebags is a spoiler. I think i won't shave today. I look like shit anyway. Noone would notice it. The general outcome would still be, "He looks like shit."

Although, there was a drizzle outside, i decided to go to school for a change. My temerity to attend school despite the fact that i haven't read a page is motivated by the idea that i'd be seeing the china eyed girl sitting in front of me. Maybe this time, i can really look at her until my eyes fell off its sockets without fear that she-who-must-not-be-named would come from behind and knock my head off.

My daydreaming was interrupted when i felt uncomfortably hot inside the taxi. For some idiotic reason, my cab overheated. Half way in unzipping my favorite hooded gray sweater, i realized i forgot to wear a goddam shirt. Oh that was totally fucked up! the sun was up. Hence, i sweated like a fucking pig in a jeepney ride to school.

I noticed that the front gate of the institution was unusually bereft of bystanders when i arrived. I only realize later on that classes were suspended. I did not fucking inquire why. As long as it is suspended, that's what matters.

I did not manage to see the china eyed girl sitting in front of me that day but i managed to fucking find myself a cab with a freaking faulty air conditioning system on the way back home. Once again, i perspired like a swine in a pigsty. I gave him a huge amount of tip. No, it's not because the ride home was comfy but it was given as a token of gratitude for reminding me that this day is no exception to my seven day prophecy of bad luck.

Seven Days Of Bad Luck: Day 3

Day 3. I woke up with a sore hump on my temple. It sucks to think that this is one of the price i had to pay for loving someone, a nice round hump. Damn! Where's that freakin' aspirin?

Upon learning that i have already used up all the aspirin, i contented myself in firing up a cigarette. I pulled up the blinds to make sure i didn't miss the sun this time. Fuck! Feeling the unbearable sting in my eyes when the sudden rush of sunlight poured in the room, i almost burned myself when the lighted cigarette dropped on my goddam lap. I immediately rolled it back down. Now, aside from burning myself to death, what other productive things can i possibly do at this point in time?

Hmm..what if i go to school and hope to pass on this misery to someone else? But I haven't lifted a page. I'm pretty sure i'll be called if i report in class today since my prof is itching like a wild bitch in a hot summer afternoon to call me for recitation due to my number of absences. Well, what do i have to lose? I am a walking "L" word according to my sister-in-law's sister.

Lost in this nonsensical trail of thoughts, i found myself inside the classroom, armed with nothing but a pen and iPod tucked inside my side pocket. And indeed, like a wild bitch in a hot summer afternoon that he was, he called my fucking name. I stood up. "Do you agree?" He asked but his mind seemed to wander off somewhere.

What the fuck! I agree with what? I haven't heard a shit. I've been quietly dozing off at the back of the room and here you are asking me if i agree about some shit i didn't hear. Were you not paying attention sir? Of course, all these thoughts were nicely encapsulated in my simple and dignified reply, "No sir, i disagree."

"And why?" Good thing he yawned because i swear to God, i could have beaten him to it. This was hopeless. I am an empty incarnate vessel. Nothing. I am nothing. In desperation, i allowed myself what supposedly bright people do in cases like these. Eyes on the upper right corner of the eyes. Mouth half open. Look as if your into something... At this point, i heard the intro guitar for Pearl Jam's Black song, I think i was on the chorus that time:

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine

In desperation, i sang it loud and hard in my head. Over and over and over. I was bleeding. Somewhere, i'm pretty sure i was bleeding amidst the stares of the anticipating audience. I don't see any blood but i'm pretty sure i was bleeding from where i was standing. I am nothing. Cipher. Nada. Nihil. Zilch. Zero.

I think i spent the rest of the day standing up in shame with a fuckin lump on my head... i don't know. Who gives a fuck anyway?

Seven Days Of Bad Luck: Day 2

Day 2. I'm still feeling shitty so I greeted the morning with a crispy and resounding "Fuck!" and tried to get back to sleep when a few seconds later the door swung open. It was our maid handing me a cup of coffee. I asked her why. She retorted that she thought she heard me asking for coffee. Nice.

I was forced to sit back up and sip the lamely heated cup of coffee. I grudgingly stood up and walked in front of my PC, lost in the thought if there is in any way, this day be different from yesterday. I looked for my cellphone below the heap of junk for a possible sign that my luck indeed changed. Inbox. One message received. Yes! With renewed hope, i quickly opened it up. The message read: "You are cheating on me..." What the fuck! Can you hand me a dictionary please and pound it on my fucking head. I seem to have missed the definition of the term.

After regaining composure, i realized that i can't really blame her for thinking that way. Because lately, i haven't been telling her about the hell i'm going through. It's just too depressing. We've already had enough drama in our lives. I decided that it's best to just spend the rest of the day in slumber and hope not to wake up anymore.

6:18P.M. I peeped through between the spaces of the blinds and realized that i missed the sun again. I took a cigarette, lit it up and slumped back on the concrete wall. What now? I let off a sigh allowing the smoke to rush out my mouth and nostrils. My mind wandered on the past, asking why i wound up like this. I am a mess. Everybody thinks i am a mess. For how long have i been this way? Yea, it's quite different now that she's gone. But given the option whether or not to be with her, i'd rather be like this than to destroy both of us in the process. Let me be the one to rot here. And there it goes again. The pangs of pain came rushing in like a toxic chemical emitted by this weary heart. Why does it have to run in just one part of my vein? With full force, i thumped the wall with the back of my fist hoping this nightmare would stop. A muffled thud. Something gave in from above me and before i knew it, the acoustic guitar hanging on the wall conveniently fell on my head. Bang!

That must have hurt, i thought. But it didn't sting at all. I'm feeling numb inside and out. If the roof of this room would fall on me too, i wouldn't give a fuck. And it's just Day 2.

The Search For The Last Hero Of Zaraphina: The Sanctuary

The Messenger:
Lookin at the corner of my eyes
Tryin to save that sweetest smile
Can you hear me from all the way here?
The silence emanating between the sea that parts us

I wish we have more time
One minute past ten, i bid my goodbye
If only my world not consumed in fire
I'd stay here a while longer and dodge glances in poor attempt

But how can i reconcile?
Hiding in the safety of your sanctuary
When my world is falling apart
In bits, my dreams,
In ashes, carried away in the air

Is this a weakness?
My gauntlets are slipping off
My quiver empty...
The message undelivered

From my journey... I'm weary
Will you let me rest here for a while
In the tranquility of your sanctuary
Embrace me...

The Lady of the Sanctuary:
Stranger from a distant galaxy...
I am mourning your loss, i grieve
But i'm powerless
I'm afraid...
You're on your own.

Seven Days Of Bad Luck

When i woke up this morning, i knew right away that this is going to be a fucked up week. "How'd you know?", she asked. I told her i was a psychic. i laughed at myself in saying that but i'm still disoriented from lack of sleep so i didn't bother to take it back.

"i have so many things to do today", i absentmindedly told her while sipping a lamely heated cup of coffee. She wondered why i was not moving my ass off to prepare for the things that need attending. I simply reminded her that it is going to be a week of bad luck anyway, so why bother. i proceeded in deliberately brushing the topic aside by giving her compliments. She bought it.

We've been talking for days now. And in that brief period of time, i felt at ease talking to her. I told her everything, confide with her my troubles, why am i feeling shitty most of the time. I told her that i consider her as my sanctuary. And she liked it because according to her, it's closely knitted to the state of bliss. I wanted to protest but i guess, i'll let it pass.

Unmindful of the fact that i have to attend a presentation, i continued chatting with her about music, paintings, photographs, doodling heart shaped stuff. Yeah, it can't be denied. I'm feeling a strong attraction for this girl. However, since it is a self-proclaimed week of bad luck, it started happening. Somewhere in our conversation, i goddam blurted out if she would like to join me for dinner that night. And then goddam, take it back by saying, never mind.

"Why?", she asked. She was referring as to why i have taken back the proposal. i was dumbstruck. Not that i don't have any reason. The fact is, i have the perfect reason why i had to take it back. i was not inclined to say it for fear that it might hurt her in some way. It is a perfect reason, in the sense that i don't want her and the other people to think that i am bouncing since i just recently came out from a devastating relationship with someone. And the truth is... i'm still hurting.. It is perfect, in the sense that... i simply wanted for everything to be perfect this time. Do you get me? i panicked... and what a mistake that was.

I excused myself for the hope that she'd forget i ever asked. And since this is a week of bad luck, of course, i received from her a note saying, " I do not want to talk to you anymore."

In my frustration, i tore the calendar off the wall, took a pentel pen and scribbled a couple of straight lines across the next seven days including this very day. Talking to myself now, "I told you this is a week of bad luck. God should have goddam stricken this week off the calendar. And come to think of it... I am still stuck in Day One and six fucking days to go!"

We Shot The Sheriff

I bet that caught your attention. If there is such an award for The Worst Title Giver then, that would be me. You can ask Ma'am Shiela about that.

Anyway, I just would like to share how this whole project materialized since Roy is being so mysterious and all. He is the one hiding under the pseudonym iamweasel. He is one of my best friends since highschool. For some reason during his hibernation in the mountains, it dawned upon him the idea of getting into photography. For years, he trained in the mountains shooting birds, people, trees, clouds... i can hardly count the body bags! He did this all on his own. Well, at some point, he took a vocational course in photography for a few months. Here is the mugshot of the culprit with his so-called pearly white smile. If found, kindly return to Abigail.

It is amazing how three bottles of Red Horse beer can change a person's perspective over something. After downing my share of our elixir in one of our drinking marathon while staring at these alien materials in my hand, the words just struck me. It is all over the pictures. Can you see that? Can you feel it too? I felt the urge to write it down. I can't explain how it is exactly, but it is more like a trance for me. I liked it. Hence, here we are now in this Lil Dark Room.

As you may have noticed, we've done this for months, went on roadtrips, shoot here, shoot there. God! I lost count now as to how many body bags would there be if we were firing a live gun. It was only recently that we have decided to share this to others. We hope you enjoyed your visit. For sure, there will be more to come. I am expecting that one of our good friend would also join us here in this Lil Dark Room pretty soon. And at this point, i leave you with one of Bob Marley's songs...

Thanks guys! God Speed!

The Search For The Last Hero Of Zaraphina: Devil's Sonata

The Menace:
The wheels has been set in motion
The cork removed from this sturdy vessel
Arise the death machine, from the darkness
the time is now to rise from your slumber

Tearing the vestiges of the past
Feel the shockwave of anger and pulsating trauma
I've only wanted to feel that you really love me
But it is a blade that pierces between these ribs

Just like you i longed to touch, feel and breathe
Your fire consumed the remaining humanity in me
Is it deep enough or should i push it further?
Hush now, wipe those tears, soon this will be over

The Messenger:
Tell me something about this parable
Why have you come and destroy us all
Why have you come and shove us to our fall
What have we done to offend you in a way?

The Menace:
Oh I am not changing anything
It has always been the way it is
You're the one who created the monster in me
The day you took my love away from me

I've always thought that that this is something i can bear
But what you're doing is something no one can get used to
I thought my face being down in the mud is justified
But somehow this is something that only pigs can get used to

And now that there's nothing i can care about
I'll bring you all here with me
Coz there's nothing more i can care about
I'll just bring you all here with me

And when everything is pacified
See all the things that i defiled
And realize that it's just the same as if...
I've never.. been... here.

The Search For The Last Hero Of Zaraphina: The Awakening

The Messenger:

You gnawed and spit blood, broken bones, those lovely teeth

Eat on the bricks of chopped down dreams, bring it down now dear

The angst of a deprived, hungry creature of sin finally emerging victorious

your demise is now under construction as we feed towards your direction

A sad news of a previous mistake

A text written in blood, sayin’ you’re next

Perturbed as the reports came barging in

is taking form on its own…

Shapeshifter behemoth son demon of Abraham

Blue flame aura enveloped sending chills in every warriors’ spine…

Lifting off…… one step back to the watery grave

Send in the recon captain, this is going to be another long day…

A call of distress from far away galaxy… will you come and save the day?

Decode… battling answers across a rampaging asteroids of riddles

Will you get it in time… before everyone else is long dead and gone?

While we wait… mind if i stay here a lil bit longer?

While i try to grapple and get the message in order?

Decode… battling answers across space and time continuum

will you get it in time before… it is all dead and gone?

The lady weeps… numbers are going down fast

The spineless darkling, behemoth devil son of Abraham

Apocalyptic killing spree, guns for the children

fight or be devoured by the blue flamed nightmare

Is there still sun behind this crimson sky?

Enter violin… enter sound of destruction… enter despair…

enter monotonous beat… drown us now… lay us to rest…

as we partake in this bloody awakening…

under this crimson sky.

An Attempt To Synthesize Love And Reason: Episode 3.108

Just before you draw the line between right and wrong

And just before i step out of the bounds of reason
Let me conjure up the remaining sanity
To utter the words that could make even a little bit of sense
To everything that had just taken place...

In dealing with the intricacies of arriving to a consensus

How much tears shall we wage before we arrive to a truce?

In dealing with our plans to be together till the end

How many innocent shall fall to make fate bend?

In the attempt to synthesize love and reason.
Blood and tears i paid the price oh! i was the perfect fool
in your hands, the things i hold dear cast and vanish to oblivion
in the attempt to synthesize love and reason,
i lost her... yes, i lost her now.

In the four corners of this lil dark room..
I searched for you, my passion... my one obsession..

in my attempt to synthesize...
to love... to reason...
to feel... to live...

i lost her... yes, i lost her now...
i lost you...

i lost me.